


Dear Spencer

by hahaspencerreid



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Derek is a Good Friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, I suck at tagging, Letters, Maybe - Freeform, Memories, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:50:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7652752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hahaspencerreid/pseuds/hahaspencerreid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." -Edna St. Vincent Millay</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Spencer

**October 28, 2012**

_Dear Spencer,_

_By the time you read this, I will be far, far away. I know I should have done this differently, but I knew that if I stuck around to tell you in person, I would change my mind. Your eyes are more persuasive than your tongue and I have never been able to say no to them, especially when they’re full of tears. I know your bottom lip is jerking already because you think you know where this is going, but please keep reading._

_I am not leaving you. I will come back when the timing is better. I know you will be angry. I know you’ll be confused and I’m sorry because I know you hate it when you can’t understand things. Please don’t be mad at the team, because most of them won’t know about this until you tell them. The only people who know are Hotch, Rossi, Penelope, and Strauss. They all disagreed with me and my decision, Hotch had to threaten Penelope because she almost refused to send my resignation to wherever it is they go. Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ are all clueless. Please let them be there for you._

_I promise I will keep in touch. I will make sure you know I’m okay. I am not going to be like Gideon or Elle or your Dad. I would never do that to you or to myself. You have been my best friend since I started at the BAU, which was two thousand, two hundred and thirteen days ago. Of those two thousand, two hundred and thirteen days, I have been in love with you for one thousand, eight hundred and forty-six and counting. I’ll leave it up to you to remember the hours and minutes and probably even seconds._

_I need to get away for a while. I am losing myself in the process of trying to fix and help others and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to look at people and wonder if they’ve killed anyone, and if they have, how many? I don’t want to look at you and be reminded of every bad case we’ve worked. I’d like to think that we would’ve met even if we didn’t work together, that we would’ve fallen in love no matter what._

_I will keep writing you letters, but please don’t write back. I don’t plan on staying in the same place long enough for that. With each letter, I will tell you one of my favorite memories and one of my favorite things about you because I don’t want you to forget about me, Mr. Eidetic Memory, and sometimes you talk about yourself in a way that always made my heart hurt. I’m not going to do that in this letter because I know you’re already emotional and all you really want to do is go to our room and lie on my side of the bed and wish for me to come home, but I don’t recommend doing that alone. Call someone like Morgan or Garcia, maybe even Hotch. Let them be here for you._

_As I’ve said before, this is not a goodbye letter. I promise that if something doesn’t get in my way, I’ll be back in Quantico for you once I find myself. I’m sorry for the hours you will spend re-reading this letter and I’m sorry for disappointing you like everyone else has. I understand if you teach yourself to hate me. I understand if you decide to leave the rest of my letters unread, and I understand if you find new love. I hope you’re able to find some form of happiness in my absence.  I need you to understand that I love you with all of my heart, Spencer._

_Yours Always,_

_Kate x_

**October 29, 2012**

Spencer woke up like he did every other morning – with a headache. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned and waited for the familiar feeling of warm fingertips willing the tension away, but they never came. That’s when it all came back and hit him like a train – the letter, the quietness, the empty spot in his bed – she was gone.

 Before he could stop it, a loud sob escaped from his throat, sending painful shocks all through his body. For the first time, probably ever, Spencer didn’t understand what had caused things to change. He thought she was happy, he thought she was going to be the person who made him forget how much the others had hurt him, but he was wrong and that made the whole thing worse.

 

 He finally managed to get himself out of bed and to the medicine cabinet where he took the pills he was prescribed, then stumbled to the bathroom where he took a quick shower and brushed his teeth. He could hear her voice in the back of his head saying, “Eat something before you go, you can’t get all of the nutrients you need from coffee and you know it!” Yesterday, he would’ve smiled at the thought, but today it only made him want to curl up on the couch and sleep until she came back.

 

He walked into the BAU with his head down. He didn’t want to look at or talk to anyone, especially not Rossi, Hotch, or Garcia. He ignored Morgan’s usual teasing and finally made it to his desk, hoping like hell that Morgan would just let it go, that he’d just assume he was tired, but he knew better.

 

 “Reid?” His voice was now full of concern and slight confusion. “C’mon, man, what’s wrong?” Spencer knew he wasn’t going away, but he also knew he couldn’t talk about it here or now. He glanced up when he heard a door open and his blood ran hot when he made eye contact with Agent Hotchner.

 

“Ask Hotch.” His voice was shaky and rough from the hours he spent crying last night and this morning. Hotch had known. He knew that if he had told Spencer what was going on that Kate would still be here. She would’ve made Spencer his coffee this morning, she would’ve showered with him, she would’ve massaged his head until he was almost asleep again and he would’ve heard her laugh when he complained about how unfair it was, but he didn’t. Now, all Spencer had were memories and a broken heart. Thanks, Aaron.

 

Reid could feel his throat getting tight, his eyes began to burn, and it got really hard to breathe and then everyone was watching as he stood up and sprinted out of the room, hiding himself in a janitor’s closet and begging himself to wake up. He hadn’t been alone for five minutes before Morgan found him; his eyes were full of worry when Spencer looked up at him. All he could get out was, “go,” which, of course, didn’t do a damn thing.

 

Derek didn’t say anything; he just sat beside of Reid and pulled him close. They sat like that for a good twenty minutes, Reid crying into Morgan’s shoulder and Morgan rubbing his back and whispering calming things in his ear. When Reid had finally calmed down, he spoke softly, almost like he was afraid he’d say the wrong thing. “Spencer, I want you to take a few deep breaths and tell me what’s wrong.” And he did. He told Morgan about the letter and about Hotch, and Rossi, and Garcia. He told him how the only reason he was even telling him was because that’s what she asked him to do. He told him everything, and then he cried some more, and then Derek took him home and spent the next two months at his house because Spencer didn’t trust himself to be alone and he wasn’t well enough to go back to work yet.

 

**December 23, 2012**

_Dear Spencer,_

_I know I skipped last month but I was really busy trying to get everything going for myself. I wish I could tell you where I am and how beautiful it is, but if I do that, I know you’ll come looking for me. I don’t want you chasing me when you should be chasing criminals. I hope you’re still with the BAU, that you’ve found it in yourself to forgive them._

_In my previous letter, I told you what to expect when you got these. Since it’ll be Christmas, or extremely close to it by the time you get this, I’ll start off with my favorite Christmas, which is obviously the first one I spent with you. I know you remember every little detail, because I do and I don’t have an eidetic memory. You woke me up at the ungodly hour of eight, which still surprises me a bit considering you always say “nothing important happens before 11 AM” every time I tried to get you up before noon on our days off. Anyway, you had tried to make a cute Christmas breakfast and had burnt everything except the eggs, which were actually undercooked. Your cooking was the worst, but you always tried your best and that made it taste a little better. We watched old Christmas movies and I listened to you talk about how Santa could never be real because it was impossible for one man to deliver multiple presents to every kid in every country, and then we danced to really lame holiday songs and drank hot chocolate and kissed a lot and barely moved from the couch because we were sure that we’d get called in at any minute. I still remember the way your arms feel around me._

_Speaking of, I also promised to tell you one of my favorite things about you in every letter I wrote. I could write a list about thirty pages long but I promised myself I’d only do one at a time. I love the way it felt to be held by you. Your hands and feet were always so damn cold but the rest of you was so warm. Every single time I left the bed in the middle of the night, it didn’t matter if it was just to let the cat in or to get a glass of water, you always pulled me close whenever I got back in, even if you were still snoring in the process._

  _I know this letter is short and I’m sorry, but I don’t have any cool stories to tell you yet. Tell the team I said Merry Christmas! I hope you have a good one, Spence. Please try. I love you and I miss you a lot. I hope you’re okay._

_Yours Always,_

_Kate x_

Spencer had read her first letter at least two hundred times a day everyday since she left. He even read it at the average human speed once. He didn't expect more letters, he thought that was just something she'd said so he would have something to look forward to. He read the new letter forty times before he called Derek, who was knocking on his door within the next ten minutes. It always worked like that. Spencer told Derek everything now because Derek wouldn't leave him alone until he did. He told Derek that he dreamed of her every night, and that when he woke up in the middle of the night he still felt around for her. He told him how he felt about Hotch and Rossi and how betrayed he felt by Garcia. He knew it wasn't their fault, that they were only doing what Kate had asked, but they all knew how much he loved her and they still fucking kept it from him.

Spencer finally started traveling with the team again a week after the second letter came. At first, it was awkward and tense, but Spencer decided it'd be best to let it go, because being mad at them wouldn't bring her home. So, things eventually got close to normal. Spencer still had his bad days, but now he had the whole team there to pick up his broken pieces, and he knew that somewhere, Kate was smiling and thinking about him.

 

**January 17, 2013**

_Dear Spencer,_

_I_ _hope you started your New Year with a smile on your face and amazing people around you. I hope your hangover wasn't too bad the next day. I started my New Year with some old friends, and I haven't laughed that much since I saw you. I watched my friend Lily make-out with a guy dressed as Santa Claus and I wish I hadn't. I also wish I hadn't had that last shot of Brandy because my hangover was pretty brutal. I thought of you all night, I wish you could've been there with me but I know you were better off with the BAU._

_I remember the first time we got drunk together. It was JJ's birthday and Rossi was throwing her a surprise party. We all had a giant slumber party and got wine drunk and I wish I could remember what I found funnier: the fact that you had to pee literally every five minutes or that that was the first time you'd ever actually been drunk. Drunk Spencer always made me smile even if he couldn't remember the extremely smooth pickup line the next morning and made me rub his back because he danced "too hard." That night, I laughed the hardest I've ever laughed and it was probably because of you. It's always because of you._

_I always loved how I could be crying or close-to-it but all you had to do was say one dumb, cute thing and I'd be having trouble breathing. You're funny when you don't mean to be and you have no idea, I find it completely adorable. You always knew how to make me feel better, how to make me smile. The thought of you still makes me smile. I hope the thought of me makes you smile too, it would suck to know you couldn't think of me or our memories without crying every time. I love you and I miss you._

_Yours Always,_

_Kate x_

Spencer smiled this time. He couldn't help but imagine Kate drunk, looking at her friends with those wide blue eyes and smiling, her teeth perfectly straight and white. He wished he could write her back, to ask her if she'd worn her hair curly or straight, if she still had her pretty brown hair or if she had dyed it blonde like she'd considered before. He knew that no matter what color or style her hair was, or how much makeup she did or didn't wear, that she looked beautiful, He just wanted to see her again, and he hoped that she'd keep that promise too; she was doing so well at keeping the others.

He always tried to stay positive, he tried to tell himself that she loved him, that she missed him and was going to come back someday. She said so in every letter, but sometimes his mind won, and he was back in the same state he was in when he got her first letter. He got angry and screamed and swore to himself that he'd never open another goddamned letter from her, and then he felt bad because all she was trying to do was fix herself. So, he just cried until he couldn't make sound anymore, and then he called Morgan, and read the letter again and again and again and again until he fell asleep and finally got to hold her again in his dreams.

The week that followed was harder for Spencer due to Kate's upcoming birthday. They got a case that week and he saw pieces of her in everything he looked at. Everything reminded him of Kate and suddenly, New York City wasn't so big. It felt small and it was hard to breathe and he needed to go home, but he didn't know where home was because his home was Kate and she was lost in the wind.

 

  **February 14, 2013**

_Dear Spencer,_

_Happy Valentine's Day!! I'm sure you have a thousand scientific puns like "I've got my ion you," or something stupidly funny that I'm not clever enough to think of. I watched two teenagers share the second cutest first kiss today. The boy was almost as nervous as you were, but the girl didn't laugh like I did. I hope you don't still think I was laughing at you because you looked "ridiculous," or whatever word you used to inaccurately describe yourself that night. I would've used adorable, handsome, or perfect. I never understood how you could say such untrue things about yourself, I love everything about you. However, since I can only do one specific thing at a time, this time I'm gonna have to talk about your mouth since I can include multiple things with it. I know that sounds extremely weird but hear me out. Your lips are always so soft and I love the way they feel against my neck or my ear, and especially on my lips. Your smile is so bright, I always loved that the first thing I saw every morning was you smiling at me. Your smile is contagious and beautiful and I hope you haven't stopped. I'm so excited for the day I get to see your smile again. I can't wait to hear your voice. I've picked up so many payphones but I never called because all it would take was a "Please, come home," and I'd be calling Penelope. Your voice sounds like a thousand angels singing my favorite song, it always calmed me down and put me to sleep._

_The night after my dad died, you held me close and just talked. You talked about Star Trek and you talked about what you thought Hotch did on our days off and you wondered if Morgan had ever called a girl back. You talked and talked and talked and you didn't stop until you knew I was asleep even though you were so, so tired. Sometimes when I'm up late, I try to remember your voice and I start naming all the bones in my body since you said it always helped you sleep. It's not the same, and it's really getting hard to remember your voice sometimes. Maybe someday I'll call you, but I'm not going to promise you that. I hope you weren't sad today, I hope you got compliments from beautiful women and I hope you smiled and laughed and talked to her, but I hope you still remembered me. I don't know if you'd call us boyfriend and girlfriend at this point, but I would still love it if you'd be my Valentine. I love you, Spencer. I miss you so much more everyday and I'm surprised it's possible. I hope you're okay._

_Yours Always,_ _Kate x_

Spencer didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. Some days he wanted to forget how soothing Kate's voice was and how pretty she looked all the time, but other days her memory was the only thing that got him out of bed in the morning. He remembered how she always knew what to say to make him blush, and she never held back, especially not when Morgan was around to tease him about it, and not even when she was probably thousands of miles away. Then, he was crying. He needed to hear her voice. He wanted to kiss her and tell her how much he needs her, but all he can do is hope that she might actually call him.

**March 20, 2013**

And she did. She had thought almost called him hundreds of times by now, but she chickened out every time. She wasn't afraid of what he sounded like or what he'd say - she expected him to have plenty of questions and she was going to give him plenty of answers if he answered the phone. It was ten in Quantico and she was praying like hell that he wasn't on a case. The phone rang quite a few times and she almost hung up before she heard his voice, low and scratchy and full of sleepiness. "Reid."

"Spencer." Her voice was barely audible, but he heard it. He was awake then, his mouth opened slightly and his hands began to shake. He knew he was dreaming, there's no way she had really called. Neither of them said anything for about two minutes and Kate's laughter broke the silence. "You know, I only have so many minutes and so many quarters." She teased, silently begging him to say something, but she was sure he wasn't sure what to say or where to start, so she just bit her lip and waited. "You can ask questions if you want..." She'd never heard him this quiet while he was awake.

"I have a lot." He whispered. He didn't know which one to ask first. Should he even start with a question? Maybe he should just tell her he loves her. Actually, maybe he shouldn't. Fuck. "Where are you?" He knew she wouldn't answer, but it was worth a shot, right? He'd spent the last five months completely clueless and he just wanted answers.

"I'm in the United States." Okay, there's a start. He wouldn't push it.

"Am I getting another letter this month or is this a substitution for it?" Part of him hoped he'd be getting another letter, part of him hoped he could hear her say what her favorite memory and thing about him was.

"This is a substitution. I figured you'd want to finally get some answers out of me, and I wanted to hear what you have to say, too. I miss talking to you, Spence." And then he was crying. All of their late night debates and arguments and talks about stars and Gideon and whatever came into thought came back to him and he just fucking _missed_ her.

"I miss talking to you, too, Kate. Do you know when you'll be home?" He asked, his voice breaking more than once as he tried to pull himself together. He wanted to beg her to come back, to just let him hold her and make all of this go away. "I forgave Hotch, Rossi, and Garcia. I'm still not a Strauss fan, though." He told her, and she smiled. She knew that'd be hard for him to do, but he did it anyway and she was proud. She giggled at his last comment and replied, "I don't think anyone is." She stayed quiet for a minute before she continued, "I've thought about coming home a few times in the past two days, but there are still a few places I'd really like to see." She admitted and she knew that's not exactly what he wanted to hear, but it was the truth, at least.

"Have you had fun?"

"Yeah, lots of it."

That made Spencer feel a bit better.

"Met anyone smarter than me yet?" Kate laughed, feeling her heart swell a bit before she shook her head and admitted, "No, and I haven't found anyone as handsome as you either, Doctor."

"No one thinks you're really coming back. Emily said she's afraid you're going to be like Gideon and Morgan doesn't even like talking about you. JJ and Garcia want to believe it but they all have their doubts, except me. I'm waiting for you." Kate didn't expect the last part. She knew the team would be angry, she figured Spencer would be angry, but she was glad he wasn't.

"I figured you'd ignore all of my letters." She admitted, wiping away tears as they fell. "You know you can ask me anything. I know you're holding back, I'm still pretty good at profiling people." She chuckled, biting her lip and looking around, making sure no one was watching her.

"Okay...why did you leave? And why couldn't I just go with you? Is this easy for you, because sometimes I really feel like you don't hurt like I do. I feel like it was so simple for you to just pack your shit and go. Why can't you just come home, Kate? I need you and I miss you, God, I know I shouldn't do this to you. It isn't fair to beg you to come home right now, but it wasn't fair to leave me with nothing but a fucking letter." He finally cried, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs when he was done, his throat becoming tighter with each breath.

Kate sighed, closing her eyes and not allowing herself to cry. Spencer had every right to be upset, she hoped he would understand.

"I left because I needed a break, not from you, but from the BAU and crime scenes and profiling. I didn't want you to come because it wouldn't have been fair for me to say, 'Hey, Spence. I'm leaving Quantico in two days. You can come with me or stay here with your job and all our friends!' And I just needed time to figure myself out. No, it's not easy for me. I cry everyday, I see you in everything around me. I do hurt, believe me. It's not easy traveling without the guy you're in love with, but I make it work because I know you're making it work, even if it's not by much." She answered, tears falling steadily now, and she didn't even try to stop them. "I want to see a few more things before I get back. I'm sorry for all of this, Spencer. It wasn't fair and you're still putting up with it and I-"

"Because I love you." Spencer interrupted, wiping his eyes and sniffing and crawling into Kate's side of the bed.

"I love you too, Spence. I miss you."

"I miss you too." And then someone was knocking on the door. She turned around and frowned a bit when the lady asked if she was almost done, but nodded. "Hey, baby, someone else needs to use the phone. My favorite thing about you is that your heart is so big and pure. You love people too much when they don't deserve it. My favorite memory is the one we just made. I wish I had more time but this lady looks pissed and I don't know what kind of place this is. Anyway, I love you and I miss you and I'll keep writing." She promised, waiting until Spencer said his "I love you, I miss you. Goodbye."

Spencer immediately called Garcia, who somehow managed to get a location on the payphone.

"Reid, that payphone is in Virginia."

He didn't know if he should be relieved or disappointed. She was so close, but she wouldn't come home.

 

**April, 2013**

Spencer didn't get a letter that month. He didn't get a letter in May, or June, or July. He didn't get another letter until October, exactly one year after he got the first one.

**October 28, 2013**

_Dear Spencer,_

_I'm sorry that I didn't write for so long. I've been really busy these last few months and I've been trying to figure a few more things out. I've always loved how you're so patient. You never give up on things. I'm sorry for how extremely short this is, but I don't have much to say right now. I love you._

_Yours always,_

_Kate x_

Spencer didn't expect to hear from her for a while. Honestly, part of him never expected to hear from her again, but for the second time in the past year, he was wrong.

**October 29, 2013**

Spencer walked into the BAU expecting to see the same faces he'd been looking at for the past seven years, plus one empty desk. He hoped they'd get a case soon because he hated being here, and he wasn't thrilled to stay home, either. They did.

When he walked into the briefing room, seven familiar pairs of eyes were on him, rather than six. He held his breath. She was home.

She looked like she did a year ago, and Spencer fell in love all over again. Her hair was the same brown that stood out against their white bedsheets, but it was shorter now. Her hair, at one point, was almost to her hips, and now it was slightly above her boob. Her eyes were the same blue that reminded Spencer of beach trips and pretty skies in Florida, and her smile still made his stomach jump. She was still beautiful and he was still in love and she was home.

Everyone was watching him. JJ and Garcia were close to tears, Prentiss had the biggest smile on her face, Rossi and Hotch were smiling too, and Morgan rolled his eyes a bit before he finally spoke, "Why the hell are you two still here? Don't you have a lot of things you need to do?" He laughed, but Spencer didn't move. 

Kate was terrified. She didn't know what kind of reaction she would get, but she thought she'd at least get one. 

"Spencer?" She tried softly, slowly standing up and walking over to him. "You always have something to say...so, come on. Say something." She whispered, hesitantly reaching for his hand and smiling when he pulled her closer. He still wasn't talking, but he didn't want to. He'd talked to Kate once in the past year, but he never got to hold her, and that's all he wanted to do. He held her, and God, he cried. 

They stayed like that for a good ten minutes - hugging and crying and Kate whispering soothing things into his ear because, honestly, she'd never heard him cry like this and she hated the sound. Nothing was working, so she finally pulled back a bit and smiled at him, wiping his eyes and pressing her lips gently to his. That definitely shut him up. Her lips felt the same and his did too, and Kate couldn't help but smile. "I hope that's the first time you've kissed someone in the last year." She teasingly whispered, finally meeting his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too." He replied softly, looking behind her and waving before he dragged her home.

Things went back to normal quicker than everyone expected, and as soon as they did, Kate got pregnant. Then, she became Mrs. Spencer Reid, and before they knew it, Spencer was helping their daughter with school work,  and watching her graduate, and watching her follow in their footsteps to become one hell of an agent.

Spencer had always known he'd spend his life with Kate. He loves being right.

**October 29, 2039**

_Dear Spencer,_

        _If you're reading this, it means, technically, that I lost the battle. The cancer stopped my heart and broke yours. However, even though I lost this battle, I know I am a winner._

_In the last thirty-two years, I have been happier than I ever dreamed of being, because of you. You have given me an amazing life and I don't regret anything. You have shown me love and support since 2005 and for that I am eternally grateful. You are so patient and your heart is and always has been pure gold. You are an amazing man, an amazing father, and the best husband I could have ever hoped for._

_You have given me a beautiful daughter. (One who looks exactly like you.)_

_You have given me hope and faith, and an overall amazing life._

_I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but in all honesty, I'm glad it happened this way. You were always the strong one, I could never be able to live a life without you. Take care of our girl and know that I am waiting on you, watching. I love you, Spencer._

                                               _Yours always,_

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               _Kate x_

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first reid fic and it's also the first time I've ever actually posted my work so if you liked it, please comment nice things and if you didn't, please comment CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM rather than rude things that would probably make me cry. anyway, I hope y'all like it. xx
> 
> (p.s. follow me on tumblr! hahaspxncerreid.tumblr.com and send me requests for new writings! x)


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